Today is the first day of school for my kids. I’m usually not too emotional on this day. I’m ready to have some time to myself. I want them to learn and spend time with friends. But this year feels different. It is a year of first and many lasts. I thought the lasts would be hitting me harder but it’s the first getting to me the most. The last will take over towards the end of school and then I will truly be a mess.

The Lasts

Jena, my first baby, is in 8th grade this year which means this is her last year of Middle School. How did this happen? She can’t be on High School’s door step but she is. It’s going by way too fast. I want to slow down time. But I can’t. I just need to be as present as I can and soak it all up. Enjoy these years no matter how difficult. I need to help her navigate through these sometimes awkward and challenging times. I need to watch her grow into the person she is meant to be. To even start thinking about High School makes my head spin.

Then there is Emily, the one that since she was born I worried about going to school. She is a 5th grader which means it’s her last year of Elementary School. This one is really tough for me. I love our school. I love our teachers and staff. And they love her so much. They want the best for her and help her succeed. I know the Middle School teachers will be great but it won’t be the same. I feel like we are in this safe little happy bubble and it’s going to pop in June. It will be so hard to say goodbye to the teachers and aids who have been with her for all these years. I appreciate them so much (I need to make sure that they know it). Because of them, I know Emily is safe, happy and learning. Middle School scares me for Em. Jena has had a great experience and I’m sure Em will too but the size, the increased independence, the need to communicate clearly, and all those new kids who have never met Emily. Will they be kind to her? Will they be her friend? Will she still have her amazing group of friends by her to cheer her on and love her? If I go too far down this rabbit hole, I will drive myself crazy so I need to not think about this now. I need to focus on the present and enjoy this amazing and exciting 5th grade year.

This is the last school year that JD will be 1/2 day. So it kind of feels like he is still in Preschool except I don’t have to remember to pick him up. He will ride the bus home with Emily. He is always with me. He’s been my sidekick for the past 5 years. This is the last year that just he and I can go do something before school starts. I need to make sure I take advantage of this. I do not want to waste or regret this time.

The Firsts

This is JD’s first year of Elementary School. When I dropped him off, he waved and smiled then turned around and never looked back. My little buddy was ready to start this new adventure. The little boy who has been with me for the past 5 years. The one that would be so upset the beginning of every preschool year. Just waved and kept walking. I needed to see this even though it made me cry like a baby within minutes of driving away and I really haven’t stopped. This might have been the hardest first day of Kindergarten for me. I’m guessing because this is his first but my last. I will not be dropping off a little one to their first day of Kindergarten ever again. Wow I didn’t expect this. If this has crushed me today, I am frightened for what a mess I will be at the end of the year for Jena and Emily.

 

My Hopes

For this school year, I hope my children are given lots of opportunities to learn and build their confidence. I hope they take a few steps closer to figuring out their likes and their interest. That they are kind and are also treated kind by others. That they make new friends and continue to build on the friendships that they have. That they are happy. That they learn how to handle challenges. That they take chances. That they feel loved. I want them to have fun and make memories.

For me, I hope that I really pay attention. That I don’t let my stresses take away from experiences I can have with them. That I greet them with a smile, a hug and my eyes light up when they return home. I want to remember what is most important. I want to be mindful of my words and actions. I want to remember these days…the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to make sure that I use my free time wisely…to take care of myself.

So here’s to the 2019-2020 school year! May it be filled with lots of memories and much needed tissues.