We are in our 9th week since the kids were last at school. We have 4 more weeks of remote learning and I have no idea if we will make it. This has been way harder than I ever expected. And I am realizing it is for reasons I never saw coming.

Guilt is the number one reason I am struggling with this whole situation. I am realizing that I have taken the easy way out for many years. Handing over the iPads or turning on the tv instead of working on letters or numbers. I am witnessing what my choices have done. So now I feel like I have to make up for lost time. I need to make it up to them.

This leaves me in an internal battle between my heart and my brain. My heart says don’t worry. They will be fine. Their mental health is more important. Everyone is having a hard time. It will be ok just let it go. But then my brain takes over and says you have to finish all the assignments. If you don’t they will fall farther behind. They will struggle next year. You don’t want to be the reason they didn’t succeed. You can fix this. You need to make up for all the mistakes you made…for all the times you took the easy way out.

So what happens…every morning I vow that I will not yell. If I start to see one of them getting upset, we will stop. I will let go of anything that we don’t finish. I will not worry about upsetting the teachers for not doing the work they worked so hard to prepare. We will have fun learning and if all we do is read a story then that’s a win. But then the morning starts and it quickly goes down hill. There are tears (mine and theirs). There is fighting. There are refusals. There is negotiating. There are empty threats. There are feelings of failure. There is sadness. There are feelings of defeat. Then I vow to not do this again and I do it again the next day.

I need to let go of my guilt. It is not doing anyone in our house any good. Plus I got an email today that ESY (Extended School Year) for Emily will be done remotely. I cannot keep going down this path. I need to move forward. I need to trust my heart. I need to let go of my guilt, my need to control and perfection.

If I don’t I will do more damage than good t myself and the kids. My kids will hate learning. They will have low self esteem. They will lack confidence. They will be afraid to make mistakes. They will remember their mom in an unkind light. I want them to look back and remember a mom that lifted them up. That helped them when they needed it. That was supportive and encouraging. One that made learning fun and not a stressful experience. One that could forgive herself.