I’ve been pretty quite on social media lately. I have posted a couple things here and there but for the most part I’ve been silent. Sadly it hasn’t been silent in my head. That voice that likes to tell me all the ways I am failing is talking to me nonstop. I squash it briefly but then it comes back reminding all the things that I am doing wrong or have done wrong. Where I am failing my kids. How Emily is at a Kindergarten level for reading and she is in 5th grade. How is going to succeed in Middle School let alone life. I should have worked with her more. How her speech is still so hard to understand. I should have been working on this from the start. I should have read more books; did more research; we should have practiced more. How JD doesn’t know his alphabet or letter sounds. How he is having a hard time learning sight words. I haven’t worked with him enough. I should have been doing more. I let them watch too much TV. Shit they are watching TV while I am writing this. How I let Jena get away with not doing chores. How I give out empty threats and don’t follow through because I just don’t have anymore fight in me. How I am doing nothing to set limits on screen time. How I am not teaching them enough life skills. I just do it because it’s easier and takes less time. How I barely spend any time with Doug. I mean he does travel a ton but when he is home by the time I get everyone to bed, I’m exhausted and I go to bed. How my house is a cluttered mess that causes me anxiety but I can’t seem to do anything to fix it. How when I finally went through the papers in the office, I had 7 months of bills that needed to be filed….total fail.

Then there is everything with my aunt. She has trusted me to make decisions for her. I am in charge of everything for her. Her house is a disaster. I still have numerous piles of papers to go through. They could fill my entire full sized Expedition and it still wouldn’t fit it all. I still need to clean out her house. It is not a weekend project. Then there are her health concerns, her memory, her confusion and her stubbornness that thinks she will drive again and live at home. Both of those things are not going to happen. We have discussed it but yet she still thinks it will occur so she isn’t willing to let me make changes. I am trying to not take away all her independence but some of her choices are causing me so much stress. I have received 4 phone calls in 5 days about things that are bothering her. I don’t have the time to take her to the doctor every time something bothers her but if I don’t it could get worse. We recently found out that the reason she was falling so much in August (which lead to 4 ER visits) was because she had a UTI. Any type of infection a person with Parkinson’s gets directly effects their mobility. They tend to fall a lot. She got lucky last time…no broken bones or head trauma but who’s to say she will be as lucky the next time. I can’t have her falling right before I leave for Disney nor do I want her to fall while I am gone. I have asked her to switch to the Senior Living facility’s PCP but she refuses. I think I have to play my Medical Power of Attorney card to change it for her. I hate doing this but I feel like I don’t have any other choice. She is going to be very angry with me but I don’t know what else to do. It never seems to end. This whole thing has caused me so much stress since June 5 when she was found lying in her basement. I start to wish I wasn’t her person. I wish it would all go away. I start to wish she doesn’t live long. Then I feel horrible. Then the voice tells me what a heartless selfish person I am. I feel like I am failing her too.

I need to stop this way of thinking. I need to stop this voice so I am reaching for anything I can find that has helped me in the past. Writing this out is one of them. I usually write it in a journal but this time I needed to share it. Maybe it’s because if there is anyone out there feeling the same way, I could let them know, they are not alone. Maybe it will give me some peace by speaking my truth even if I could be judged.

I am also going to look for daily gratitude. It doesn’t need to be big just something that was good. Like being able to drink my coffee while it was hot. Or how a leave fell and bounced off JD’s head which caused him to laugh so hard.

I know I am a good mom, wife, niece and person but sometimes I let my inner voice tell me differently. I will silence this voice once again. And I will be happy and enjoy my family and my life. I will find the time to get the important things done. I just need to remember to give myself grace.

After reading this over, I decided not to edit it other than spelling errors. It’s not perfect but it is what I needed to say at this moment. If I don’t do this now, I will never do it. The time will pass and I will regret not doing it. My hope is that I have put this out in this space and I can now more forward. That I can take the power away from that mean inner voice.