Dear Portia,

I have tried many times to tell you to f*ck off or to shut the hell up. I yell at you for being so loud….for holding me back…for making me feel bad about myself. You never stop and you never go away. You only get louder. Maybe I have been approaching you all wrong. Instead of holding me back or trying to make me feel bad, you are trying to protect me. Maybe I have been interpreting your messages all wrong.

Maybe you are trying to shield me. You know I don’t like to make others upset. You know I don’t like to be judged. You know that confrontation makes my heart race. Could your words be protecting me from these things? If I don’t share my thoughts and stories, then I am safe from these things that cause me discomfort.

You know I thrive for perfection. Are you trying to help me avoid the mental stress I will cause on myself by just not starting? Do you not want me to be disappointed in myself when I fail? Is this why you try to tell me my ideas are no good or unachievable?

I am starting to think that when I yell at you to stop, you just get louder because you want to protect me. You are nervous. You are worried. You don’t want me to get hurt. I think I am starting to understand. Your words are coming from a different place than I originally thought. They are out of love instead of hate.

I want you to know that I appreciate you looking out for me but I need to make mistakes. I need to learn from them. I need to grow from them. I need to teach my kids that mistakes are not bad. They are good and we all do them. We won’t know what we are trying capable of if we don’t try. So, I want you to know that we can do this together. I am nervous too but together we can get through this in a more loving and gentle way. No more yelling at each other. We need to work as a team.

So, thank you for trying to protect me. I do appreciate the thought but it’s time to ease up and worry less. I need to see what I am capable of. I need to fall and get back up. I need to learn to give myself grace. I need to be who I am meant to be. You can join me on this journey but you need to pause before you speak. Don’t be scared. We got this. I will hold your hand along the way.

Love,

Jamie