Where do I even start? I am sitting here debating on how to do this. It has been a very long time since I have sat down to write a blog post. I have been quiet. Way too quiet. I can’t even tell you how many times I have wanted to share what was going on, but I never did. And it wasn’t to share great and uplifting things. Sometimes it was but mostly it was to share my struggles and challenges. But I never did. I knew it would help me. And there is a good chance it could have helped someone else. But I didn’t do it. I stayed quiet. I let my inner critic win. She has been very loud for months. Anytime I thought about writing she told me I had way too many things to do. The house needs put back together from the remodeling projects. You said you were going to declutter and organize. You better get that done before you sit and write. No one really cares about what you have to say. They don’t want to listen to your woes. You will embarrass the kids. Do you really want that? Didn’t you say you wanted to be more creative. You need to get the house in perfect shape before you can give yourself any time for fun. You need to earn the time. Things aren’t going to put themselves away. And on and on…she has been relentless.

 

I needed to make a change. I feel like I let her take over for way too long. I can’t and don’t want to continue down this path. So where do I start. I decided to start with some decluttering. My dresser drawers and closet were out of control. The chair, dressers and the floor had piles and piles of clothes. I slowly tackled a drawer at a time and then the closet. Nine garbage bags later I know have a clutter free and organized bedroom (minus a few little things). Whew! As I finished each drawer, I could feel myself getting lighter. I know a lot of this stems from my perfectionist ways. But honestly, I can’t function well when things are messy. Believe me my house looks like a disaster most days. But I need at least a couple areas that I can feel at peace in. Before I did my bedroom, I was not a peaceful place.

 

I also got back to exercising. I have been exercising this whole time, but I was only going through the motions. I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I got mindful about it again and I can feel the difference. Along with that, last spring I realized that certain foods don’t make me feel good. I had taken quite a few things out of my diet, and I truly felt the best I even have.  Well, the holidays came and poof I started eating most those foods again. Cue feeling like crap both physically and mentally. So, I am slowly getting back on track to where I was. Good bye sugar, dairy, alcohol and coffee. It is hard but I know in the end it will be the right choice.

 

And most recently I started working with a friend. She is helping me get back to my writing and building my confidence. My inner critic is awful. She truly is a bitch. She does not help me be the best version of myself. She takes me back to the place where I put unrealistic expectations on my family and myself. She makes me miserable. She makes me mean and yell. She tells me what a bad job I am doing as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend. She keeps me from finding the good. She only lets me see the negative and bad. She makes me feel like a fraud. How can I share on my blog titled Mindful in the Muddle when I am the farthest thing from mindful right now. It is true. Or should I say it was true. I haven’t been the most mindful person lately, but I am slowly getting back to it.

 

Life has been out of control for the past several months. It has been filled with more unexpected things than I have wanted. We have had remodel mishaps, disappointments, setbacks, stress, illness which have led to kids being home or learning that you can’t trust a fart when you have GI issues going on. Thank goodness for Google on “how to clean a mattress”. But with each of these things I am slowly finding the lessons, the laughter and the joy. It will take me awhile to get back to where I was, but I am going to get there. I know how to…I just have to do the work. So be prepared. I have a lot to share. The only way to quiet that inner critic is to share my story.

 

Oh and how could I forget…I actually chose me in a really big way. More on that to come but I surprised myself when I said yes.

 

So here it is. My first blog post in a while. It probably isn’t my best. Or the most profound. Or the most inspiring. But I did it and it is done. Done is better than perfect…right?! Here’s to starting new. Here’s to getting back to me. I hope you come along for the ride.