I have been wanting to write about Emily’s birth for a very long time but always find excuses not to do it. This time was no different. Actually I planned on writing this for last week but pushed it back because I wanted to work on it all week instead of just a few hours. Guess what…I didn’t work on it all week and here I am going to sit down and try to write it is a couple hours. Then I thought about the pictures. I had a few in mind. They are on the desktop computer. Well we got a new desktop and Doug said he transferred all the pictures over but they aren’t there. Luckily we haven’t disposed of the old one yet but I am sure I will not have time to connect and start searching. If I do, I will never get this written. So I will just have to “make do” with the pictures that I did find.

So why am I procrasting so much on this. Well it is hard. I didn’t take Emily’s diagnosis well and I struggled for a very long time. It is hard to admit this. It is hard to go back to those feelings. It is hard to relive how much pressure I put on myself to make everything perfect and have it all come crashing down. And even though I have a better handle on my perfectionism, it’s still there and it’s rearing its head as I try to write this. So I am going to push through and remove all expectations I have for how this will be received. I am going to write from my heart. So here goes…

It was July 3 and we were waiting for the phone call to come into the hospital for my induction. My due date was July 4th and I was nervous that I would end up on the news because I had my baby in the car due to getting stuck in the Fireworks traffic. My in-laws were staying with Jena so the four of us sat and watched a George Carlin special while we waited. I remember laughing as he used the r-word not thinking twice about it. The call came at 10 pm and we left for the hospital. I started having contractions on the way down so I knew our baby would be here soon. I got my Pitocin at midnight. It moved fast…1 1/2 hours and 2 pushes later our second child had arrived. It was a girl. Jena had a little sister. I was filled with immense joy. All the daydreams I had of my 2 girls in dance rectal costumes…playing dolls together…riding bikes together…growing up being best friends…in each others weddings all came flooding in. I was so in love and so very happy. I had no idea what was going to happen next.

My doctor checked Emily and everything looked good so she left and told me she will check back later that day. Thinking back, I do remember seeing her look closely at her hands and feet but not thinking much of it at the time. (I later realized she was looking for the Palmer crease which is a characteristic in individuals with Down syndrome.) After she left a Resident came in to check Emily. After she was done, she walked over to Doug and I and said “it looks like your baby has Down syndrome you will need to get a blood test to confirm. Any questions?” I was stunned. My world went from completely bright to total darkness. I sat in my delivery bed watching all those dreams of my two girls fade away and go into total darkness. I had no words. So she left. I went over to the little bed that Emily was in and picked her up. I walked back over to my bed, held her and cried. I had a broken baby. What just happened? What did I do to Jena? What are we going to do? Oh my god hours ago you were laughing at jokes with the r-word in it and now you have a baby that people are going to call names and laugh at. I can’t do this. Please God tell me this is all a dream.

The darkness and thoughts continued to swirl in my head throughout the night. We were still in the Labor and Delivery Room because there were no beds available. Emily was having a hard time keeping her body temperature up so we had to keep putting her in the warmer which was located by the door. She didn’t have the security bracelet on yet because we weren’t in a room. Doug and I took turns getting up and standing by her. Even though there was something wrong with her I didn’t want someone to steal her. It felt like an eternity down in that room. In the darkness. So many tears. So many fears. So much hoping that resident was wrong. And wondering how are we going to tell our family.

I don’t really remember what our family and friends that come to visit said to me in the hospital. I was too consumed in my fear and darkness. I do remember telling Doug and I didn’t want Jena to come to the hospital. I completely regret that decision now. But at the time I could handle it. I was afraid I was going to have a breakdown and I didn’t want my almost 2 year old to see that. The only comment I remember is when Doug’s Great Aunt Mamie came in. When she got there Emily was in a little incubator because she still couldn’t keep her body temperature up. She looked at her and said “what’s wrong with her?” She meant why is she in the incubator but I processed it differently. And all I could think of is “I don’t know.” Then she scooped her up and showered so much love on her. Everyone loved her. I have a feeling most were a little scared too but didn’t show it in front of me. Or maybe they did and I was just so consumed in my own head that I didn’t notice or hear it. I just remember sitting in my bed going through the motions. I was there physically but not mentally. I was still trying to process everything that had happened. How did I go from such a high to a low so quickly.

Since we had Jena at home, Doug didn’t stay with me. I sent him home to be with Jena. I wanted to be alone. I couldn’t bear sharing the thoughts in my head. I was embarrassed and ashamed of them. I needed to be alone to try to figure out how I was going to “fix” this. I needed to fix this. But I couldn’t and I struggled with it silently. I would look at Emily and cry. This was not the life that I wanted but it was the one that I got. What do I do now? Nothing was going as I planned or dreamed. She couldn’t keep her body temperature stable so she had to be in the incubator which felt like there was something wrong. She couldn’t latch on so I had to pump and give her bottles another unplanned thing. I would send her to the nursery so I could try to forget for awhile. Then when they would bring her back to be fed I couldn’t send her back. I was afraid she would feel unloved by me if I did. So I kept her and held her and cried. I did love her so much. I was just so scared. And I felt that I was not strong enough or good enough to do a good job at being her mom. I wanted “normal”. I wanted “easy”. And I knew that this was going to be hard.

 

I wish I knew what I know now back then. Or at least spent less time staying in the darkness and hiding my struggles. But I am also grateful for the path I took. It was so very hard. It is filled with regret. But it has also taught me so much about letting go, strength, resilience, love and forgiveness. What I thought was going to break us has ended up making us stronger and better. Emily has been a true blessing to our family and friends. I can’t imagine our life without her in it.