I didn’t expect myself to procrastinate so much on this post. I thought about it for a week then I started it. But then procrastinated for another week until I could sit myself down to finish it. I know why though. It’s a controversial topic right now. And I do not like controversy. It is also a topic that has created a lot of judgement and shaming. I have a fear of being judged by others. I don’t want anyone to think I am a bad parent. I will have some that will praise me and others will think I have done the most horrible irresponsible thing in the world. But what I need to remember is at the end of the day, I shouldn’t care what anyone thinks. Whether it is praise or shame, it doesn’t matter what they think. All that matters is that I am doing the best I can for my family. I am doing the best I can to protect them. I am doing the best I can at this time. I hope I remember these words because they are the only ones that matter.

So if you haven’t figure it out by now, I decided to vaccinate Emily for Covid-19. She is 12 so she is eligible for the Pfizer vaccine. This is written a little different than I have written posts in the past. The first part is prior to the vaccine appointment. I share my fears and thoughts. My anxiety was high but not for the reasons you probably think they were. The second part is after the vaccine. It gives you a glimpse of how my anxiety takes me down a path filled with fear which then leads me to overthink way too much. And in the end, I worried way too much about something that I had no control of whatsoever. I know I am not alone and that is why I am sharing this today. If I can help someone feel less alone, then all of the procrastination and possible controversy is worth it.

Before

This afternoon I will be taking Emily to get her Covid-19 vaccination. Deciding to vaccinate Emily was not an easy decision. You would think it would be a no brainier since she is in the high risk category but it wasn’t. My worry about the vaccine is the same worries I have if she would get Covid. Due to her speech Apraxia, she can’t tell me if she doesn’t feel well. I never know what is bothering her. I ask her questions and her reply is always no or a shoulder shrug. If she has any reaction to the vaccine, I won’t know. I will need to be a detective and watch her like a hawk so I can notice if something seems off. It is exhausting both mentally and physically. This is how I spent her 4 quarantines. Watching her every move to see if anything was out of the norm. Then I start to think about what if she gets a fever. She refuses to take any kind of medicine. If you try to force it, she will spit it right back in your face. I have experienced this many times before I learned my lesson. So if she gets a fever, I have to resort to cool washcloths on her forehead and the back of her neck. What if her fever gets so high we have to go to the hospital. Or she gets a headache, if she won’t take medicine how will I help elevate the pain? I bought cool packs for her forehead with Mickey Mouse on them, maybe she will let us use that on her. How will I keep her hydrated? She is such a creature of habit that she won’t let me add more water to her day. Hopefully Gatorade will be enticing enough to keep her drinking all day. But before I get to all the possible side effects I have to get through the actual shot. She used to be so good about getting shots or her blood drawn but not anymore. She nows gets herself so upset even before we go back to the room. Her whole body will start shaking. I try to hold her on my lap to comfort her. Doesn’t work. I give her my phone to distract her. Doesn’t work. Sometimes she has gotten herself so upset during a blood draw that she passes out. Which sometimes leads to her throwing up when she comes to. So of course my mind is racing about this. We are going to a vaccine clinic at a local municipal building. I don’t know how many people will be there. Will she freak out? Will I have to hold her? Will she pass out? Will she throw up? I have no idea what is going to happen. And what if she has a terrible experience. How in the world will I get her to go back in 3 weeks? I need to stop overthinking this. I need to stay calm. I need to stay positive. I need to control my anxiety. I don’t want my worries to feed into her thoughts. I probably should have told her all this week to prep her. But I was afraid it would just cause too much worry for her like it has for me. She wouldn’t sleep at night because she would be worried about the shot. She would also have bad days at school. So instead of prepping her for it, I have decided to wait until she gets home from school. Did I do the right thing?  I don’t know. I guess I will be finding out soon enough.

After

I did my best to remain calm. I bribed her with my phone, ice cream, the iPad and a movie before we left for her shot. She seemed to think the bribes were good so she didn’t get upset getting into the car. She didn’t start shaking until right before the shot. I quickly put her on my lap and gave her my phone. I put on Disney+ hoping it would help relax her. Of course she watched the nurse give her the shot even though I was trying to get her not to look. What I didn’t mention when it comes to Emily and shots, she is super nervous prior to it but then is completely fine the second it is over. So much so she shrugs off the whole thing like it was nothing. And true to Emily, she did the same thing this time. She even said no to a bandaid. So I worried for nothing…like always. As for reactions, she seemed to be fine. I asked all the questions…does your arm hurt – no…does your head hurt – no…does your stomach hurt – no…are you tired – no. So whether she felt any of those things or not, who knows.She sometimes says no so you leave her alone or because it is the easiest response. She did seem tired but it didn’t slow her down.

Will I worry again for the 2nd shot? I am sure I will. She might be more nervous since she knew what happened the last time we went in that building. She might have a reaction the second time around. I don’t know the answers to those questions but my mind will take me on roller coaster ride I’m sure. I do know that when we are finished with the 2nd shot, I will finally have some peace mind. I won’t be a nervous wreck wondering how Covid could effect her. Wondering if it will send her to the hospital. Wondering if I can figure out what is bothering her. Wondering how I can get her to take any medicine. It will feel good to have some peace.

Deciding to vaccinate our children let alone ourselves is so divided right now. There is so much judgement, name calling and shaming and it’s so wrong. Everybody needs to do what is right for them and their family. No one should be criticizing your choice. Whether you choose to vaccinate or not, it is a choice and no one has the right to make you feel bad for your decision. You don’t have to agree but you need to be respectful. So maybe you agree with me or you don’t. That’s ok. You do what is right for your family and I will do what’s right for mine.