Dear Daddy,

Twenty-two years ago today you left this Earth. The last time I saw you was the night before you passed. I went to bed that night praying that you would pass away. You weren’t in pain thanks to the Hospice care but you were not living the life you wanted. You were always full of life. Always willing to go on an adventure. Always smiling and laughing. You couldn’t do those things anymore. So it was time for you to be in peace. Praying for that was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I loved you so much. The thought of losing you forever was so painful. I was 25 years old. You were going to miss so much. But in my heart I knew that to keep you was selfish. You gave me everything you could. You fought for 7 years and for that I am forever grateful. You gave me 7 more years of memories. Yes they had some really hard and difficult moments but they also gave me good lasting ones too. They also taught me lessons about love and life.

These past 22 years have been hard not having you here. You have missed some pretty big things…my wedding, the birth of your grandkids, all of their events and birthdays. I know you are always with me but man I wish you could have physically been there. I often think of the smile that would be on your face for all these things. The pride in your eyes. Your laugh. I think about how much you would have loved Jena, Emily and JD. You would have come to all of their concerts, sporting events and birthdays. You would have spoiled them rotten. They would have been your pride and joy. You would have taken them golfing in the summer and skiing in the winter. You would take them for rides in whatever sports car you would have at the time. You would have made sure we went on warm weather vacations. You would have played with them and laughed with them.

But you are not here so what do I do. I need to make sure I fill them with stories about you and your life. Give them the lessons you have taught me. Talk about your challenges you had which were quite a few and very hard. But you preserved and taught me along the way. It’s funny how the really hard times are the ones that stand out the most in my mind. The ones that scared me the most. Even though they were scary I have learned so much from them. The time I visited you in Western Psychiatric Hospital. It was right after your birthday. I brought you a treat and I wasn’t allowed to give it to you. When you gave me a tour of the floor and your room, you pointed out how everything was nailed down so no one could use it to harm themselves or others. Then you shared with me your drawings. I never knew you liked to draw. You were pretty good too. I can see the room and your drawing like it happened yesterday. This was so scary for me yet I still have this vivid picture of that day in my mind. From this you got better. You knew what you needed to do and you did it. Then there was the first time I heard your story at an AA meeting. It filled me with pride and sadness. I couldn’t believe you hid so much from not only me but many others. I understand now. I hide things too. Not the same things but I don’t let other see when I am hurting. And there have been times in the past when I would reach for a drink or two or three to make things better. Then I started thinking about you and I decided that when things got really hard reaching for that drink was not the answer. Then there was your cancer diagnosis. I was going to be a senior in high school. I had no idea how bad it was until later. You protected me. I remember you came with mom and I to look at colleges. You were going through chemo treatments. You were losing your hair. You always made sure you looked perfect. To see you with your hair falling out and wearing a bandana was uncomfortable. I feel guilty saying this but I was embarrassed and uncomfortable seeing you like that. And because I felt that way I have carried so much guilt. I should have been more grateful. I was young and dumb. I had no idea close I was to losing you forever. And the time your cancer came back and it required emergency brain surgery. I had just seen you on my college spring break. The day I got back mom arrived at my college house telling me you were in surgery. I had to fly back down to Florida. We didn’t know if you would live and if you did what your life was going to be like. But you worked hard and you survived. You had some major scars on your head that you displayed proudly. You once again gave me a few more years. When you knew it was getting closer to the end, you left the warmth and moved back to Pittsburgh to be closer to me. Once again showing me what unconditional love is.

So through some of the hardest and scariest times of my life, you taught me. I didn’t realize it at the time but I do now. You have taught me to live life to the fullest. That I shouldn’t hold in my feelings. They won’t just go away. They will actually get worse. Asking for help and doing whatever it takes is necessary to be able to live a good life. You have taught me what love is. That through love even the hardest battles are worth fighting for. That I need to appreciate everything I have because I never know when it will be gone. You have also taught me to love adventures, to have fun and to laugh. You taught me how to love my kids unconditionally and how to be a great friend.

Thank you Daddy. I miss you every day and would give anything to have you here. I know you are always with me. Little signs show up when I need them most and I know they are you. I hope I have made you proud because that was something I always worked hard to do. Keep watching over my family. It gives me peace to know we have such a wonderful Guardian Angel.

Love and miss you,

Monkey