Last Tuesday morning I took Doug to the ER. He was thinking it was the flu. I wasn’t sure what it was but knew it wasn’t good. We were both shocked to find out he had a large blood clot in the center of his lungs. We later found out it was a Saddle Pulmonary Embolisms. That’s when everything changed. Life took a turn we didn’t see coming and it has now changed my perspective once again.

I tend to run every single possible scenario though my head. I try to figure out how I will react and what I will say. This is not a good thing. It makes me crazy and usually gets me really upset. I did not do this while we were in the hospital. I couldn’t let any negative thoughts creep in my head. I wasn’t going to bring anything negative into our space. I did not want to manifest any bad things to happen. And I knew if I went there, I would lose it. I just couldn’t and honestly I still can’t. Those “what ifs” are too hard and too heavy for my heart to bare. I had to stay positive. I had to stay in a good place. I knew we were in the place he needed to be to get help. I knew he would be coming home. I knew he needed me to remain strong. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t be scared. I needed to be present. I needed to be there for him.

Very few people knew what was going on. It was family and a few close friends. I wanted to post it on social media because I wanted as many prayers and positive thoughts we could get but I waited. The kids didn’t know yet. Only JD was home when I took him. I didn’t want one of Jena’s friends to find out and send her a message. I didn’t want her to find out like that. She needed to hear it from me. I wanted her to remain calm. I didn’t want her to be scared or freaked out. She didn’t need to know the severity of the situation at that time. It wouldn’t do anyone any good.

Right before Jena got home Doug called to tell me that they decided to do the procedure to attack the clots (at this time we found out there was more than one) directly by going through the veins in his neck. I few tears came out and he called me out on it. I stopped and said that I am happy they are doing this because I want the clots gone. I didn’t like the sit and wait for the blood thinner to work approach. I needed a more swift action. But in my mind I just knew this was a very serious situation to take this path. Those were the only tears I cried that day. I knew if I let them out, I would not be able to stop. I needed to be strong for the kids, for Doug and for me. No sadness, no negative thoughts only positive ones.

By Tuesday night, Doug was in the ICU and his heart rate was starting to lower. A sign that the procedure worked. A flood of gratitude rushed over me. There was so many things to be grateful for:

  • I was grateful that he was home and not traveling
  • I was grateful that he hadn’t left for work yet
  • I was grateful that my Apple Watch can read your heart rate
  • I was grateful he didn’t fall when he got light headed because it would have either meant they would have had to have surgery to remove the clot or it could have jarred the clots loose and could have went to his brain or heart
  • I was grateful he agree to let me take him to the hospital
  • I was grateful for our family that helped with the kids and gave us support
  • I was grateful the doctors made the decision to be more aggressive
  • I was grateful for all the family and friends that reached out to offer help and prayers
  • I was grateful to be holding his hand
  • I was grateful for hearing him laugh
  • I was grateful to give him a kiss
  • I was grateful that he was still with us
  • I was grateful that the kids still had their daddy

Doug continued to improve each day. By Wednesday morning his heart rate was at 75 and the lines were removed from his neck. He remained in the hospital for the next several days each day looking and felling better. He came home Friday afternoon and it was the best day EVER!

As life is starting to get back to normal, I am reminded daily of just how lucky we are. I googled Saddle Pulmonary Embolisms and it’s very scary to say the least. This could have taken a different direction and I am so incredibly grateful it didn’t. We have been given a gift. We need to make the most out of it. We cannot take advantage of it. I’m not saying that he will never annoy me or make me angry again because he will and honestly already has. I am human and so is he. The difference is that I will not hold on it those feelings. I will let them go. I will look for the good and joy. I will push the “to do” list aside and say yes to more fun, more time together and more memories. I will set boundaries and say no when it is needed. I will focus on what is most important. I will have no regrets.